Fix You

Yesterday was one of those cultural days when you pray for loved ones who have passed. So my mom tries to cook all the foods my dad cooked when he was here for these exact days: stir fried egg noodles; “chop chai” pork rib soup with cabbage, carrots, pork meat balls; boiled chicken with chicken rice; crispy deep friend pork meatballs (almost burnt but just right). The kids are so sweet. They pray to Gong Gong (grandpa) and tell him they miss him and wish he were here to see the tree house their Gou (uncle) built them.

It’s been since March 13, 2020 the pandemic was officially announced as a national emergency in the United States. Today is August 23, 2021… no one thought the pandemic would last this long. I knew from the 1920s pandemic, it would be over a year but hoped it wouldn’t. Humans are doomed to repeat history for not wanting to learn the history in the first place. For as fast as we can develop technology it seems we fail as a species to progress, again doomed. We are our own demise but I digress.

I always miss Dad. Of course it’s gotten easier to control my emotions as days past but today, tonight was not that time. I think as of late I’ve been super emotional, missing Dad, seeing friends move away, missing friends that are here that I haven’t really seen in almost two years. Lately, I engulfed myself into BTS videos. 1. Some of their music makes me want to sing and dance. 2. They are extremely talented and entertaining. 3. The group is silly and funny. They remind me of a pre-pandemic time with my friends and family. Of course the bonus of them being eye candy doesn’t hurt either.

So why I am mentioning BTS? When I really like something, I start researching and finding as much as I can of things I like on that topic. I’ve been playing a lot of BTS’s YouTube videos. Tonight, I was doing laundry in my closet, I had my phone on and I came across their Cold Play Cover of “Fix You”.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something, you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Literally, tears streamed down my face as I’m trying to sing along. I could not stop thinking how hard I tried to save Dad from dying but of course I don’t succeed. Dad’s approach to life was very, “don’t worry it.” Don’t worry about it. Let it go, move on. But… he let me try. As much as he didn’t want me to, he let me try to fix him. He let me test his blood, nag him about his pills, take him to doctor check ups, even those pesky tests no one wants to do. He let me take him to the ER when he wasn’t feeling so great. He let me transfer him to the hospital. He let me keep him there until he was better. He let me sit with him everyday until he was released. We would sit and watch cooking shows or those light morning shows or animal planet shows.

When he was home, I tried to get him to be more active. I picked up some dining chairs off the marketplace and both my mom and dad reupholstered them. It’s beautiful. I’ll probably never throw them away (even though my dog chewed parts of each chair). He also upcycled this shelving unit into clothing storage for my son when he was little. We still have it. I told my kid he could never throw it away since it was one of the last things Gong Gong ever made for him. I would ask Dad to cook things to work his mind. He was so forgetful. He had many moments of burnt meals or forgetting recipes. Now I know, his micro strokes took away his memories. I think that frustrated him more than anything, not knowing why he couldn’t remember something.

Dad disliked all of that… the meds, the ER, the hospital, the doctors, all the tests. Now that I think about it, I think he was trying to fix me. He knows I worry a lot. Maybe he was trying to help me ease my mind. Ever since I could remember, Dad always said, “when it’s your time to go, you go.” So maybe he was helping me to fix my pain so when time came for him to go, I wouldn’t blame myself so much for not trying harder to fix him. I’m grateful though that he passed right before the pandemic. I cannot imagine trying to help fix him during all this mess.

Thanks Dad! Thanks for letting me try to fix you. I don’t feel any guilt for not being able to fix you because selfishly, I’d want you to live forever. Love you a lot a lot a lot.

Slowly, I’m fixing myself. Lately, it’s been hard. This pandemic has not only strained friendships and families but put so much distance between people. In most instances where I naturally don’t mind being a home body, this pandemic has really tested my mental state. So in most cases all I want to do is practice those BTS moves, put on an intense face and make a fool out of my old self dancing to men half my age, tonight, I found myself so moved by their cover of Cold Play’s Fix You. Well done, BTS … now if you could release that song so I can buy it, that would be great. I need to get my Car Karaoke on. 감사 해요 Gamsa Haeyo!

I know things are difficult right now. For me, I always turn to music. Don’t be surprised when it breaks you and then heals you. So, here’s a few other BTS song recommendations. Turn on closed caption to see the translation. I hope it helps you get through this crazy time.

For Edwin: DNA

For my friends and family: Mikrokosmos

For anyone else just needing a push and motivation: ON